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This Month's Hot Topic For Children: 

When Parents Relocate:
Moving Away and Long-distance Parenting
Our society is certainly a mobile one.  The average North American family changes residence every five years and many families move even more often than that.  Some families just move around the corner or across town so they don't experience disruption in their lifestyles, habits or relationships.  Others, however, move across the state, across the country or beyond, and everyone involved has to make major adjustmentments.

No one worries when a Mom and Dad who live together decide to relocate their family.  Children, particularly teenagers, may object to moving but they are usually able to successfully adapt.  It is a different story when parents live apart and one of them proposes to move their children so far that school, activities, relationships and parental contact are disrupted. 

Parents planning a move are generally confident their reasons are good ones; parents opposing a move are usually equally certain they are not.  Children may embrace a move or resist it.  They may find parental disagreement an opportunity to manipulate their parents, or use it to avoid appropriate parental control.  Children are vulnerable in such circumstances.  While they eventually adjust to the new situation, children are often stressed or emotionally harmed if conflict between their parents persists. 

Q:  Why do parents want to move with their children?
A:  There are as many reasons as there are parents.   Some of the more common ones are:

• A job transfer or promotion.
• A new job or business opportunity.
• For education or vocational training.
• Marriage to someone living far away.
• A new partner is being transferred for work.
• To move close to family where there will be support.

These are all valid reasons to consider a move.  The question, however, is not whether the reason for the move is valid, but whether the move meets the needs of the children.  If you were not the moving parent, would you want your children to move?  What effect will long distances have on your son or daughter?  Remember to think more about  what your children think and feel, and less about what you want as an independent adult.  If you do move, consider ways to reduce risk that accompanies the loss of attachment.  Remember that your children are depending on you to make lifelong decisions for them. 

Keeping the focus on the children

Parents can move whenever they wish.  However, moving with your children requires input from both parents.  Before you move you should talk with the other parent.  Try to focus on the issues related to moving, not other adult issues.  If you cannot communicate effectively with the other parent, consider using mediation such as that offered by Nathan L. Rosenberg, Esq., to resolve the issues and work out the details. 

Once it has been decided that one parent will relocate, both parents will need to decide how each of them will continue to be involved in their children's lives.  Maintaining and promoting the parent-child relationship at a distance requires commitment and cooperation from both parents.  Although it isn't easy, it can be done.  Remember, your child has a right to have a relationship with both parents.

Parenting at a distance

Parents who live far from one another might find it helpful to develop a parenting plan that details the obligations and responsibilities of each parent and addresses the unique issues of parenting at a distance.  A mediator may be able to help you develop a parenting plan.  Some questions you may want to address in your parenting plan may include: 

Q: When will each parent spend time with the children?
A: The frequency and amount of time children spend with each parent may be based on the distance between the parents' homes, the ages of the children and the cost of transportation.  If the distance is shorter and the travel affordable, parents may decide they are able to see their child on a frequent basis.  If the distance is great and travel costly, parents may decide that it is best for their children to spend large blocks of time with the non-residential parent, such as during summer vacation or winter holidays. 

Q:  What will be the mode of transportation when the children travel between homes? 
A:  Children may need an adult to accompany them on the trip because airlines, passenger trains and bus companies have age requirements for independent travel.  Regardless of age, some children are better able to travel alone than others.  Sometimes transportation can be linked with personal or business travel, or upcoming court dates.   

Q:  Who will bear the cost and responsibility for making travel arrangements?
A:  Travel is expensive and fares can vary widely, depending on travel dates, days of the week and overnight stays.  Connections to smaller cities can be very expensive.  Will one parent pay for travel or will the costs be shared?  It is important for both parents to help make travel arrangements as convenient, safe, comfortable and inexpensive as possible.  Both parents should have a copy of the itinerary in advance of the actual travel. 

Q:  How will parents and children communicate from a distance? 
A:  In this high-tech age, parents have found creative ways to maintain contact with their children.  Depending on the age of your children, telephone, e-mail, instant messaging, webcams, faxes, photos, videotapes, mail and audiotapes offer ways to stay connected to your children from a distance.  Make sure to discuss who will be responsible for the cost of any long distance calls, internet service or other charges for communication. 

Q:  How will parents communicate with one another from a distance?
A:  Living a long distance from one another does not eliminate the need to communicate about your children.  You need to define the nature of your communication.  Will you have regular, scheduled contact or only when something out of the ordinary arises?  Will communication be by telephone, e-mail or another method of communication?  What information will be shared?  You will need to exchange school, medical and legal data, and information about the children's activities.

Parents usually find this type of information easy to obtain when both are in the same community but it can be quite difficult to acquire from a distance.  Regular contact with a former partner may feel artificial or uncomfortable, but communicating only about problems may fill contacts with tension.   Consider which will work best in your situation.  Remember to keep the focus on the children's needs, not the parents' relationship. 

Q:  What opportunities will each parent have to develop new family traditions? 
A:   Living at a distance will result in changes to old family habits.  Try to establish some permanent holiday plans or other new traditions so the children will have these important anchors. 


Last Month's Hot Topic For Children:

Children and Divorce: 
When Parents Fight Over the Children

Many families in the United States are touched by divorce.  The current divorce rate is calculated to be between 40 and 60% for those recently married and up to 10% higher for remarriages.  A majority of divorces occur in families with children under the age of 18.

Divorce propels adults and children into numerous adjustments and challenges.  While great diversity exists in children's adjustment to divorce, and a majority of children weather the transition and become competent adults, up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience ongoing emotional and behavior difficulties (as compared to 10% of children whose parents do not divorce).

Spouses divorce each other, but they do not divorce their children.  A majority of former spouses are able to establish a relatively conflict-free parenting relationship for the benefit of their children.  However, about a third have difficulty in establishing a workable parenting relationship,  even years after the divorce.  Parental conflict can hinder children's adjustment and good co-parenting skills are very important to a child's adjustment. Attorney Nathan L. Rosenberg brings decades of experience to the task of promoting good co-parenting skills in consultation with his clients.

One of the most disturbing developments when households split up involves one parent staking out territory as the "custodian" of the children, and proceeding to set arbitrary limitations and restrictive rules which block the other parent's access to one or more of the children. 

Q:  Why do otherwise loving parents act to cut children off from the absent parent?
A:  The most common reasons are:

• Disputes over non-payment of child support or other bills
• Perceptions of children as "property" to be shared only after certain adult-centered  issues are resolved
• Fears of the absent parent abducting or removing the children to some secret location based on mere suspicions or empty threats made in anger
• History of domestic violence in a relationship at the hands of the absent parent regardless of whether the children were victims or observers or would themselves be in harm's way during visits
• Uncontrolled substance, abuse, suddenly perceived as diminishing the absent parent's judgment, skills, or commitments to the children's safety or welfare after a history of such problems which went on while the parents were together
• Concerns that the absent parent may expose the children to harm or erratic conduct whether or not this has materialized in the past, or to a new love interest relationship
• Gender bias or beliefs that young children "belong" with their mother, or male adolescents "belong" with their father
• Cultural value systems leading to similar biases
•  Undue  influence from grandparents or others who are convinced they know better than the parents how to react to separation or conflict, but whose view is too subjective or emotional

While these causes of discord and obstructive behavior may make sense, they almost never amount to a satisfactory or legally defensible reason to cut a parent off from children or - more to the point - cut children off from a parent.

Most parents who have a difficult relationship with their ex-spouse but who want to co-parent start out with "parallel parenting."  In this arrangement, each parent assumes total responsibility for the children during the time they are together; there is no expectation of flexibility, and little contact with the other parent.  As time goes on and anger dissipates, parents may develop some version of "cooperative parenting."  In this arrangement, parents communicate directly and in a business-like manner regarding the children and co-parenting schedules.  Marriage and family therapists can be helpful to families as they formulate or define their post-divorce parenting relationships. 


Q: How can you help your children?
A: Tell Children about the break up together, if possible, and:

• Answer children's questions honestly, avoiding unnecessary details
• Reassure children they are not to blame for divorce
• Tell children they are loved and will be taken care of
• Include the other parent in school and other activities
• Be consistent and on time to pick up and return children
• Develop a workable parenting plan that gives children access to both parents
• Guard against canceling plans with children
• Give children permission to have a loving, satisfying relationship with the other parent
• Avoid putting children in the middle and in the position of having to take sides
• Avoid pumping children for information about the other parent
• Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of children
• Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent or using the child as a pawn to hurt the other parent

Q:  How do you know when to seek help?
A:  When your child shows signs of stress: 

• acts younger than their chronological age
• fear of being apart from parent(s) or unusual "clingy" behavior
• moodiness
• acting out
• manipulation
• sadness and depression
• guilt
• sleep or eating problems
• change in personality
• academic and peer problems
• irrational fears and compulsive behavior

     When you or your partner begins to:

• use the legal system to fight endlessly without any resolution
• put down or badmouth the other parent
• use the children as message carriers or to spy on the other parents (children feel caught in the middle)
• engage in high levels of conflict and children repeatedly try to stop the fighting
• rely on the children for high level of emotional support and major responsibilities in the home
• experience depression or anxiety

Q:  What help is available for divorcing parents and children?
A:  You should consider all the following resources:

• Court-connected divorce education programs for parents and children.  Programs for parents and, sometimes, children are recommended or required in over half of the counties in the United States.  Call your local family court for more information
• School programs for children.  Some school systems offer small groups for children during the day or after school.  In these groups children learn that they are not alone in their experience of divorce and learn coping strategies
• Family therapy (available through public and private mental health centers, university family therapy centers).  Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.  Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and family therapy is a cost-effective short-term, and results-oriented form of treatment.
• An experienced Family Law attorney sensitive to your needs

During separation and divorce, family members experience uncertainty, emotional upheaval, and changes in their family roles and rules.  Family therapists can assist in the process of redefining relationships and addressing family members' responsibilities and needs.  Likewise, an experienced Family Law attorney such as Nathan L. Rosenberg can carry much of the burden of bringing order into an otherwise chaotic family relationship, whether by efforts to promote peace within the family, or by application for relief to the local courts, or by some combination of the two.  Mr. Rosenberg for the past quarter century has advised hundreds of families struggling with the challenges of a high conflict parenting relationship, and encourages such parents to contact his firm for a consultation when in doubt as to the appropriate remedy for the kinds of parental concerns addressed in this article.